Entourage Series Finale: Recapped It!

Entourage has been a wonderfully mediocre constant in my life over the last however many years (not going to look it up) so even when, in season 3, it tumbled over a rocky cliff like a Charlie Sheen convertible, I kept watching because, you know, sometimes convertibles that tumble over cliffs explode like fireballs.

And Entourage did! It was like watching a star die. Sometimes pretty literally since Vince had a "drug problem" and probably several undiagnosed STDs. And so while I wouldn't call watching the last three years of Entourage "enjoyment," I will say that it defied expectations - I expected to see a fireball, but instead I got the glorious creation of a black hole.

Keeping that attitude in mind, I blogged the finale as it happened.

• HAHAHHAHAHA of course Vince wants to get married to the girl that he's dated for 24 hours. We all knew he would say this when he had big news. This is the girl that, if I may remind you, is a well-educated sex bomb Vanity Fair journalist who doesn't date actors and wrote an article about how pathetic Vince's need for female attention is. Oh women! They're so silly! If you just make them a video of all your exes saying how good you are in bed and that you're sweet - and then you deliver that video to her at work - they will totally realize how silly they are! Good thing Vince and the guys know so much about women!
• But seriously, this has to be some kind of set-up, right? I know it's the finale but there's no way that woman will actually marry Vince in Paris. The very suggestion! Did I mention "HAHAHAHHAHA"? We haven't seen her on-screen so it's definitely a set-up. What will the twist be?!
• Oh yeah, Sloane's pregnant. With a hate-baby.
• OK, so Rachel Zoe bumps into Vince at the jewelry shop. Is it pronounced Rachel ZO or Rachel ZO-EEEEEEE? I'm not sure. I think both are right. This is what I'm thinking when Vince tells Terrence that his daughter is pregnant with a hate-baby. Or maybe it's a shame-baby. Anyway, Terrence is so mad that he decides he doesn't want a shave anymore! He will need whiskers when he shoots E in the face! And then Adrian Grenier makes a face like, "I wonder what I will get at the Coffee Bean truck later today. Craft services are a fun place for actors to go to between scenes!" Then the cashier tells him the ring he picked out is $1.4million. And he's like, I can't EVEN BE BOTHERED with that right now! I just violated the bro code! Here is my credit card!
• Turtle and Drama visit Sloane - oh God, these characters' names, how did I not realize until just right now? So anyway, they visit her and tell her she needs to be at the wedding and I like that at least she doesn't for a goddamn second believe this wedding is any kinds of real. Because now I'm seeing it's a ploy for E and Sloane to get married! I get it! Even though Vince announced the wedding before he knew about Sloane being pregnant, it still makes sense in Entourageworld. OK, I see where this is going. Sloane says she'll think about it, which is risky, because in Entourageworld, women sometimes get less pretty when they think.
  
• Meanwhile, Ari is having an emotional breakdown which not even football coaches can snap him out of because Entourage didn't pay them to do anything besides stand in place. Ari's wife tells him that, more or less, he's a bad listener/father/husband. This has been mentioned roughly 600 times on this show but because now Ari is finally listening and this is the series finale he actually says, "I am?"
• He calls his daughter - who picks up the phone because she's out shopping with friends because school was canceled. Which is a better sign that he's a bad father: that he wasn't listening to his daughter, or that he thought she'd be in school so he was planning to just leave a message? Well, it doesn't matter because he and his daughter say they love each other, but she'll love him more after he listens to the CD of the Italian kids that she gave him.
• It's at this point I know that Il Volo, the group of awkward-looking opera tweens, will appear on the episode at some point and all I can do is laugh because it makes me think of my favorite American Idol recap of all time.
• Vince tells E he told Terrence. Terrence calls E and threatens to murder him. Turtle says nothing about Don Pepe's. Drama looks out the window to see a billboard for Kevin Dillon's new show and the black hole that is Entourageworld begins collapsing even further upon itself. (This last part does not actually happen, but why not?)
• Ari listens to Il Volo and because it's probably the first time he's allowed himself to experience art of any kind, he has another emotional breakdown and quits his job. I'm worried for Jake because what will happen to Jake?!? Although Jake is an assistant that's wearing what are clearly $2000 suits, so screw you, Jake.
• Vince goes to visit Sloane. Adrian Grenier is doing his "I really enjoyed that Ice Blended from the Coffee Bean truck! It was super-yummy! AND I memorized my lines today! Roller coasters are fun" face. Sloan is like, "Maybe" but then she's definitely like, "Totally." About E, I mean. About letting E be the father to her shame-baby. (It's more of a shame-baby now.) And then Vince says, "My fiancee is out in the car. Want to meet her?" And now I laugh because obviously there's no one in the car because why wouldn't they show her onscreen? Why would she just wait in the car like some kind of dog? CLEARLY, this is all a big plan for Sloane and E to finally get married. That is truly the only logical explanation. Oh Doug Ellin, my heartstrings can't take it!
• Speaking of heartstrings, Ari goes home and tells his wife - who is wearing a dress made out of dead doves? - that remember when they were in college and wanted to spend a year in Florence? They can do that now because he quit his job. I have no idea if the children will be involved in this year in Florence, so obviously Ari is still a bad father. But look, IL VOLO IS HERE! They've crawled out of the lockers from which they've surely been shoved into and have come to fix a broken marriage. After three notes, Mrs. Ari - whose name is apparently Melissa; did we always know that? - realizes she had probably been thinking too much. What a silly woman she was! Of course she will take him back and go to Italy and abandon their children. She forgets why she was even mad in the first place. It was probably that female therapist that told her thinking was an acceptable female activity.
• Lloyd drives up and "ruins" the "moment" because Ari is his inspiration. And Ari essentially says, "Shine on, gay star!" Lloyd will shine on and is happy that he was considered enough of a fan favorite to merit a final sendoff scene.
• Scott Caan is there! Everyone kind of looks at him, briefly acknowledges him, and then agrees with him that he is not "family." Why was he even there? Oh, because he was essentially more likable than all the other characters put together.
  
• Anyway, E drives up to the private jet and over on the wall there is an American flag hanging by a French flag. I wonder if they do this in the warehouse/terminal every time the plane flies somewhere. That seems pretty stupid. If it's a private jet, the person who hired the jet knows where they're going. They don't need flags hung up. Although I do find it semi-amusing that, on the tenth anniversary of 9/11, I am watching a show hang an American flag beside a French flag.
• Turtle mentions that he's a millionaire now. Oh yeah.
• Drama has a horrible flashback to an experience he had at drama camp in which a young boy was drowning in a river and Drama, not confident enough in his swimming ability, simply watched the boy perish. At least, that's how I read his facial expression. I don't know, I was getting bored and I thought that would be a good explanation for how he got the name "Drama."
• Vince steps out of the plane and the Vanity Fair girl is there and SHE IS A WILLING PARTICIPANT IN THE MARRIAGE. At first I think that she is either a) a hologram or b) suffering from some kind of Stockholm syndrome. And then I laugh. A full-throated belly laugh. A laugh from the core of my being. Why would I question it? Why did I think there would be a reasonable payoff to all of this? What show did I think I was watching?
  
• Just to recap once more. Her: world-renowned journalist who will not date actors and was actually pretty creeped out with the way that Vince wouldn't stop hitting on her and begging her to go out with him. Him: a likely sex addict and certainly a narcissist who probably should have had a restraining order filed against him. Also, not a very good actor. Also, has nothing to talk to her about. If Dr. Drew had to diagnose Vince, I think he would shrug and say, "I don't know. Everything, probably?"
  
• How has Dr. Drew never cameo-ed on this show? Maybe he has. I'm not going to look it up, though.
• Ari and his wife show up. Reference to "hugging it out" is made. THEY REMEMBER THEIR ROOTS!
  
• E is disappointed because his life is so confusing. What will he do about Sloane? (Duh. He should have made a video of all his exes talking about how great he is and give it to her at work.) Vince points to a separate plane for E. Sloane is waiting at the stairs, ready for E to join her and father the shame-baby. E runs over to her and they get on the plane, happy as can be, although there's a 100% chance of them having a fight before the plane actually takes off.
• Vince's future-wife/potential Stockholm syndrome sufferer, Sophia, turns to Vince and says, "You're incredible." And he says, "You haven't seen anything yet." Or something along those lines. Pretty close. I was barely listening. I'm like Ari that way.
• And then, of course, OF COURSE, Entourage ends its 9/11 finale with two planes taking off. I'm sure they had no idea when this was going to air when they shot it, but OF COURSE.

So I laugh at the pure, shallow, sexist insanity of it all and then Mark Wahlberg's name comes on screen and I think, "Well now, I'll never eat at Wahlburgers." (I'll probably eat at Whalburgers.) And as the black hole expands, I nod toward the television set. Not a thank you, per se, but an acknowledgment for, since season 3, never straying from its singular vision. It was a shitty and offensive singular vision, sure, but it let me regularly feel a false-yet-intense sense of superiority and sometimes, you gotta take that when you can get it. Especially on Sunday nights.